The end of a cycle. The beginning of a new life- Part I

I started a journey on august 2015. It all started with the idea of changing my diet with the goal of losing weight. I was weighing approximately 90 kilos.
I had been a vegetarian since year 2010. And to summarize a little, on year 2013 I lost one of the most important people in my life. My grandma passed away from complications in a high- risk surgery that she had to go through. It was all so sudden and we all got into a shock state, due to the fact that, for every member of my family, my grandma was like a pillar that lifted us all together, she was the kindest human and she had the most beautiful smile in the whole world.
So, let’s go back a little on the timeline here. I had always been somewhat different than other kids. I can tell you that I was an old soul since I was a child, I was very mature for my age, very deep if you will. I was always reading tales, looking for answers, asking questions to the universe, trying to answer those questions in my mind and I had this melancholy within me that I can’t put into words how I got.
I grew up and that feeling of lack, plus different harsh situations in life that I had to go through and that I didn’t know how to handle in that time, lead me to become a depressed person. I was depressed since a very young age. Always wondering what would happen if I simply didn’t exist, wondering about death and why I HAD to stay in a place that I hadn’t asked to be in. This all grew like a snowball and by year 2013, I just wasn’t able to handle something as big as the death of my grandmother.
I became even more sad and angry towards the world. I felt like if “God” had betrayed me. He had picked me from the crowd and said: hey I want you to suffer and I want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. So, I became an even darker person. I didn’t care about my health anymore, it didn’t take long before I started eating meat again because i couldn’t care less about the death of some animals, I just wanted to ease my pain by filling it with food. I gained so much weight during those years, I became numb and I didn’t really want to socialise with anyone anymore. I started living in a bubble.
This is hard to say even now that I don’t have those feelings anymore but, the planning of my death was an everyday thing. I simply didn’t want to be here anymore and I had to do something, because if God didn’t give me the sudden death I was asking for, I had to do it myself. The pain I felt was so unimaginable that not even the death of my grandma felt as painful as the feeling of hate and anger I had towards myself. I wasn’t me, I didn’t even know who I really was and if there even was SOMEONE inside this body. I felt like an empty vessel.
I was feeling so insecure about my external image, I didn’t really THINK about what I was feeling inside or if I needed or could make a change on the inside. There was such confusion inside me, I can’t even explain it right now. On one hand, I seriously wanted to disappear, on the other hand I wanted to live a normal life if there was that option for me, and I wanted to feel and look pretty and I was sure that being pretty was being skinny as fuck and flawless as a model.
So, I came across this “vegan lifestyle”. I had heard of it and read some things about it, but it didn’t really resonate with me back in the day, cause I really had no idea of how to start or what to eat or if I could even eat at all!! It looked so restrictive to me to read that you didn’t eat anything other than stuff that grew from dirt! I mean, no eggs? No dairyyyy!? What was I gonna eat?
This time I did some conscious research on the topic and it really grew on me. The recipes looked delicious, it didn’t really look restrictive at all once I understood what a vegan lifestyle was really about. So I decided to try it.
After a lifetime of depressive tendencies, self hate, food addiction and so many insecurities, the feelings that I got from eating a vegan diet were absolutely new to me and in an amazing way. My mind felt clearer, my skin was also clearer! I started to lose weight slowly, and slowly cut meat and dairy out of my diet again. I took it one step at a time, I went at my own pace.
When I started eating vegan I was so overweight, my whole body hurt, I had knee pain all the time, I couldn’t sleep at all, only walking was a freaking torture to me cause my feet hurt, my legs hurt, my back! Oh my back was a hero during these days!
But vegan food gave me this lightness inside my body that I didn’t know existed. My digestion was normal and since I was losing weight, I wanted to start working out again. So, I went back to the gym and I was really optimistic. This went on until march 2016. Sadly, since I was so overweight, working out constantly caused me injuries, even though I kept losing weight slowly.
I stopped working out for a month. I was still a depressive person. So, this felt to me like a complete fail, like I was never gonna be as beautiful and perfect as I wanted. In Those weeks I fell into a whole, and felt miserable, negative and basically like shit. But, one day I took the decision to go visit a nutritionist. Cause I wanted some guidance and a professional opinion. So I started my treatment with her. She changed my diet to one with smaller portions, low carbs, lots of vegetables, water fruits and tons of water. She recommended that I shouldn’t work out as I was doing because, I was overweight and in my particular case my joints weren’t strong enough to support my weight during hard workouts. I told her that I was depressed and she told me that one of the reasons I was constantly getting injured, was because of the stress I was putting my body and mind under. I needed to go through stages to become healthier. She told me that first, I needed to take things more easily and be patient. So I listened to her, I stayed calm and weight started to come off, I was really strict with my meal plan, very disciplined, so I was feeling better about achieving the goal of losing weight.
So I took another decision. I decided to visit a psychologist, cause somehow I was starting to feel that maybe I WANTED to live in this earth and become a better person, I wanted to overcome my feelings of unworthiness. Long story short, I just visited her for a short period, because even though she helped me a lot, I honestly got bored. It wasn’t for me. I had new tools to work with though, so I started my research on natural ways to cure depression. When I say research, I RESEARCHED baby haha!
I dived deep into the conquest of my mental health. I truly thought I needed to fix my brain or something, so there had to be a natural, more fun and interesting way to do so. I never thought my endless nerd research would take me to find some real answers to the questions I once asked when I was a kid…

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